Friday, June 29, 2012

Healing Heart

Today marks eight months since Malakai passed away. Today, I look back at the journey that has brought Matt and me to this place and I am so thankful that we have had each other to support and encourage each other through this process. My heart was so hurt, disappointed, discouraged, I could go on and describe the emotions. I wasn’t sure that my kidneys would improve and return to their normal function and that was so scary. I wasn’t sure that we would ever be able to try again. I really wasn’t even sure if we would ever get to be parents to a baby at all. After we went back to UAB to talk about trying again they threw a ton of numbers at us, it was so discouraging. I really felt like the only doctor that was willing to help us was my kidney specialist. He was positive through the whole situation. At my appointment on Wednesday he talked with me about trying again, about what the doctors at UAB said, and about my heart.

He said that he has been impressed with how we have dealt with Malakai’s death, and we have handled it very well. If we can handle the possibility of another baby not making it, if our hearts can go through it one more time, he doesn’t see any reason why we should not try again. He said my heart took the most damage and everything else will heal, but could my heart heal again?

Honestly, what made Malakai’s death so much more bearable is that I know that he is in Heaven, and there’s no better place he could be. God is now parenting him, and I will see him again. There is no way that I would ever want him to come back to me and leave heaven. He is healed, his lungs work perfectly, and he is whole there. The pain of losing a child to the arms of God is much less painful than a failed adoption. I know that in heaven he is perfectly whole, but when the opportunity to adopt a baby fails, there is no reassurance that the mom of that baby is going to be able to provide a loving and healthy home for that little one.   We are going to complete our home study for adoption, but we will not be actively pursuing that option at this time.  

The Test Results
The test results came back showing improvement! It’s not a lot of improvement, but it’s enough to let me know that the damage is reversible. My protein is drastically down from last time and it’s so low that the protein dip sticks cannot pick it up. My creatine has also improved, decreasing from 2.3 down to 2.09. My antibodies were very high, so he wants me to see a rheumatologist to see if there are any treatments to lower this number so that when we try again we can manage the antibodies better. I’ve also lost over 15 pounds since the last time I saw him. I’m hoping for total recovery within the next year. I’ll see him again in 4 months and pray for more recovery, eat healthy, and exercise until then.


  1. You amaze me with your strength and courage! Praying for you! Keep being brave. :)

  2. Thanks sweet friend, your words are a huge encouragement!