October Makes Me Sad

There are many things about October that I enjoy, but one thing that stays on my mind is Malakai and this month is his birthday. There are so many things that make me sad about his birthday coming up. I feel like the week he was with us was far to short and I am going to miss out on all his birthday celebrations. I always wanted lots of children and it feels like with him that dream died. I always dreamed about having 2 boys first and then 2 girls and after saying good-bye to Teddy first and then Malakai the realization that that will never happen is painful. When I see pictures of other babies that are celebrating their 2 year birthdays I feel like I'm missing out. This month is full of emotion.

I was watching a show one night and there was a scene where a dad was telling his grown son that he had a brother that died before he was born and he never told him because he didn't want him growing up missing someone he could never meet. It was such a sweet scene and it made me think about how I would talk about our losses with baby M as she gets older.

I'm slowly reading End of the Spear by Steve Saint. His dad was killed by the Waodani along with George Elliot and others as they were preparing to take the gospel to their tribe. I love this section of the book where he is talking about the death of his dad:

"What the Waodani had meant for evil, God used for good. Given the chance to go back and rewrite the story, I would not be willing to change it. Sure, it was painful, but over time I have begun to see the pain of Dad's death in a different light. If I could have changed things, I could have kept my dad. But then Mincaye would not have adopted me. Dyuwi and Kimo would not be my spiritual mentors. I would not have been part of this mysterious and wonderful Waodani world...And in the outside world, thousands and thousands of people would not have dedicated their lives to helping take the teachings of peace and comfort to people like the Waodani in frontiers scattered all over the world." pg 25
Check out his facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/ITEC-Steve-Saint/41142728065

It took Steve Saint many years to realize the good that came from the death of his dad and I know that one day I will look back and see the purpose of Malakai's short life and the pain of his death.